In Hawaiian mythology lives a half-man half-hog known as Kamapua’a. Kamapua’a is the chief of Oahu and a Demi-god associated with fertility and agriculture.
His snout was of great size and with it (he) dug the earth,
He dug until he raised a great mound,
He raised a hill for his gods,
A hill, a precipice in front,
For the offspring of a pig that was born.
-Ancestral Chant from Hawaiian Mythology by Martha Beckwith.
Despite being described as a handsome man, Kamapua’a was self conscious about the hoggish parts of his appearance, hiding the bristles that ran down his back under a flowing cape. Now readers, I’m sure you know nothing good comes out of the following scenario where a pig of a man with a chip on his shoulder learns of a beautiful woman and becomes obsessed – or as he might put it, falls in love – with a woman he has never actually met.
These are much worse when the object of his desire happens to be Pele, the powerful Goddess of volcanoes and fire. Doing his best to impress the Goddess, Kamapua’a appeared before her, doing his best to hide his piggishness and present himself as a handsome man, but the Goddess saw through it all, and dismissed him, calling him a pig in the process.
Kamapua’a was angry, yet undeterred in his pursuit of Pele – standard stalker behavior 101. There are many stories of interactions between Kamapua’a and Pele as he pursued her across the islands, but today’s story involves Pele’s sister, Kapo-kohe-lele, also known as Kapo with the traveling vagina.
One day as Kamapua’a stalked Pele across the islands he caught up with her and tried to force himself on her. Her sister Kapo learnt of this attempted rape, and in an effort to save her sister, pulled her vagina from between her thighs and threw it in the direction of the Kamapua’a.
Despite being in the middle of a rape attempt of the object of his desire, a hog-man is not going to turn down a giant juicy and fragrant flying vagina passing right underneath his nostrils – especially one that doesn’t have one of those pesky females attached that might fight him off.
So the lusty pig of the man stopped his attack on her beloved sister and chased after the vagina frisbee, jumping across the island chain in hot pursuit. The vagina finally landed on the furthest point of Oahu, hitting with such a thud that it left a giant impression in the hillside, splattering into the earth and sending mud flying. Kamapua’a leapt onto the vagina, but (in what I personally imagine was done with a giant wolf whistle), Kapo called her vagina back just before Kamapua’a landed returning it safely to her body before he even touched it. Kamapua’a continued to writhe around in the giant indentation it had left, unaware that it wasn’t a real vagina – and dare I say it – happy as a pig in mud.